Tuesday Randomness

Welcome to my brain. It's a big mish-mash of thoughts today, so I thought I'd empty my head into this little blog. And while I'm at it, here's a random photo to go along with it. I snapped this high-quality mirror picture while in Flagstaff this past weekend while battling snow, ice and insane winds...but thankfully I packed for it. So grateful for that scarf right there- its warmth was my saving grace.

- I want to have a million babies. Hank will cringe while reading this- he is in the two-will-compromise-at-three camp and I am in the eight or nine camp. Uh what? Totally kidding. But really, to me there is nothing better than being a Mom and I'd love to have a whole house full of wild little things. Three I think. Maybe four. Although perhaps we should start with two...

- I don't like peplum tops. Maybe my shoulders are too broad but they look ridiculous on me.

- I don't know how I was ever vegan. Today shredding cheese for Henry's lunch turned into eating cheese straight from the block and I think a little part of me died from happiness. I'm so obsessed with Gouda cheese and I can't imagine life without it.

- I constantly go through this weird thing with the internet, maybe everyday, where I feel like I share too much. Then I don't care. Then I feel like I should share even more in order to be 100% genuine. Then I kind of do, then I feel uncomfortable because it's strange to have so many people read what you write. And then I write something like this and feel totally boring because really, no one cares. Make sense? And on a side note, any and every time I write about blogging I tell myself not to do it again...but then I inevitably do. 

- I think about getting pregnant with a second baby all of the time. I'm so, so excited for this to happen but then I think about having another c-section and I have this strange fear of of that needle in my back. If I think about it too much I get the chills and feel like I'm going to throw up. Weird that the needle is scarier to me than the surgery but that's where my mind goes.

- Recently I've realized that I need certain simple things to make me feel my best. I have no idea why it took me this long to really get it, but whatever, at least I now know, right? Specifically, I need to get at least eight hours of sleep, drink water all day long, avoid sugar, do straight cardio a few times a week, and read more than I watch television. It's so interesting to look back on periods of my life when I felt out of whack physically, and I was always missing one of these components. It can be hard to be successful in every single area but the more I focus on it, the better I feel.

- I've been writing this post on what makes me truly happy after being inspired by The Happiness Project and it's seems like the most simple thing but it's SO eye opening. Hank and I had the longest discussion the other night about what makes us happy, both separately and together, and I think it was such a good "couples" thing to do. I've been with the guy for over eight years so it's kind of rare to learn something totally new, but I feel like they're the best little surprise gems ever and doing this I got a couple of them. Maybe I'll share more about this later.

- I find Calliou to be insanely annoying. This is a bold statement, but he just might be the most annoying kid's TV character to ever exist. Dora is a close second of course, but Calliou takes the cake, at least in my book! Not in Henry's though, the kid LOVES him!

Hello, I'm an Adult.

It's pretty amazing, isn't it? This whole growing up thing, even when you're already grown. It's weird to me to be 30. And a wife. And a mother. And to be walking around this little town with my friends and our strollers and our hot drinks in our hands and I think holy, holy, holy shit. How did I get here? It's a question I wonder about a lot. Lately I've been having all of these moments where I'm smacked right in the face with YOU'RE AN ADULT, DANIELLE! And it's weird because it's not like I don't know this and it's not like these moments are really monumental. It's the simple, everyday things that floor me, and really, I've been living on my own since I went away to college. This age didn't just sneak up on me. Hello, I'm closer to 40 than I am to being a kid- I've had some time to think about it.

But sometimes, like this morning, I'll be doing something, like ordering a bagel and cream cheese to split with Henry. And we'll go sit and I'll break it into two and I'll have that same odd realization that I'm doing the same things my mother did. Like somehow buying that bagel and splitting that bagel is so bizarrely parental and adult it is mind blowing. It's the simple things, grocery shopping and looking at the labels on this or that, sticking stamps on bills, or talking to a friend on the phone, Henry balanced on my hip as I glide around the kitchen multi-tasking. Or this past weekend when Hank and I went on a date. We had a babysitter come over to be there while Henry was asleep, and to me, THAT is adult. That's what my parents would do. They would call Karen Kowalski and she would come over, we'd get our snacks and open her backpack of crafts, and that was just how some of our Friday nights were. But now we're doing that? What?

I wonder then if this is just how it feels for some people. If maybe this is a part of growing up, the disbelief that we are in fact growing up. I think ahead to 40 and 50, wondering if I'll still feel the same way I did at 20 and 30, "how did this all happen so quickly?" in the front of my mind as I look back and all around at my life. Will I be sitting at the table on my 80th birthday, eyes crinkling into a deep smile, feeling 30 still and thinking about how fast the time went and how on earth is it even possible that I'm 80?! I wonder...

As we drove home from our date that night we cracked the windows just a bit to let in some of the cool Fall air. We turned up the stereo and sang along to Broadway Calls as we drove, the moon lit up like a Chinese lantern bobbing among the stars as we dipped up and down through the hills. We talked about all of it; about being parents and about having babies, about how weird it is to be talking about being parents and how weird it is to be talking about having more babies. We were 16, we were 25, we were just what we are, a Mom and a Dad driving home to tuck their little one back into bed at the end of the night. It all goes by so quickly doesn't it? I think the key is to just try and grab hold of anything you can, and tuck it away in a safe place, to pull out and remember when you need it. And I think it's okay to wonder where the time went, to feel strange at how you were there and now you're suddenly here, and to think holy, holy, holy shit- how did this happen? And I think if we still feel this way when we're 80, still feeling like we're so young and wondering how this wonderful life happened to us, I will look back on all of it and feel like we did it just right.

On Teaching, and On Staying Home

Sometimes in the middle of my day I'll look at the clock and think, "oh, I'd be in 4th period right now." It's weird how ingrained some things become without even realizing it. I taught for almost six years, and still, in my second year of staying home with Henry I think of it all the time.  I loved teaching. Like any job there were some days that dragged on; hard days, terrible days, days that made me question why I was ever a teacher to begin with. But those were few and far between, and for the most part I woke up every single morning excited to go to work.

Having a job that changed every day was great for me. I never knew what to expect and I spent most of my days laughing and talking with my wonderful students. I adored teaching teenagers, and while sophomores made up the bulk of my day, each year I always got to teach one special senior class too. 

I can remember when I started. I had the worst butterflies that felt more like a three-hour long nausea as I got ready that morning, anticipating that first bell. Luckily I had group of new teachers starting at the same time, so we all commiserated together, high-fived at lunch ("we're halfway there!"), and could be spotted slumped in our chairs at the end of that first day, emotionally drained and exhausted. It was exhilirating though. Not just the job itself, but the idea that my primary responsibility was to expand these little peoples' minds. I had the ability, every single class period, to positively impact up to 35 kids. And obviously some kids checked out some day, other days I probably reached only one or two...but even if I did just get through to a couple, that was still amazing to me. I loved the possibility each morning held as I wrote out that day's plan on the board. I loved learning new vocabulary words right along with the kids, I loved exploring new authors and stories, and I even somehow loved doing the same thing hour after hour.

When I first made the switch to stay-at-home Mom people would ask me, "Aren't you going to get bored? Don't you feel weird 'wasting' your college degrees?" This would bother me at first; I'd take offense to it, but then I realized that everyone has an idea what success or happiness is, and sometimes people think their way is the only way. Sure, I went and got my Bachelor's and Master's, and sure I taught for a good chunk of my twenties, but I don't see this as lost time. If anything, I feel like a better mother for having these experiences, and for being able to inspire my own children to follow their passion in life, whatever that turns out to be.

It's weird though when something is a huge part of your identity and then it's just gone. I was a high school English teacher. That's what I did. And now I'm a Mom staying home with my son. And that's what I do. I found great joy in that first job, the first "real" career I ever had, and I find joy in this new job too. Much to the surprise of even myself I'm hardly ever bored, and also much to my surprise there are some days I truly believe working outside the home would be a lot easier. Some days are hard and filled with toddler tantrums, some days I feel disconnected from the rest of the world, but like any job some days are harder than others. Luckily 99% of the days are wonderful though and most of all though I'm grateful to be able to stay home right now. Life changes, we change. My college self found it hard to imagine what life would be like in ten years, and now that I'm here it's hard to imagine myself in another ten. I may go back to teaching one day, but for right now I'm perfectly content teaching my little class of one. And so today while we were reading in the big green chair in his room I had one of those thoughts: "right now I'd be starting 6th period with my sophomores," and I smiled to myself as my littlest student nestled into me and said "one more Mama," grabbing for Goodnight Moon once again.